Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Through the Looking Glass

It's been a surreal and whirlwind blitz of a few days. I do feel like I've stepped through the looking glass into some weird narnia-esque cancer world. It makes you do the strangest things.

The other day I found an old manky Barby under the house and washed her up for Shorty. The hair was a tad tangled...
so I cropped it....
then I shaved it. Just wanted to see what that felt like. Hopefully I won't have her open pore problem. Shorty has put her with the hairy Barby and seems to have accepted the bald one.
Anna came bearing hankies. She figured it is a three hanky event and has supplied me accordingly. Other beautiful friends have come with lasagnes, curries, cakes, pizza, silky eye pillows, dangly birds and vast quantities of love and hugs and tears. The emergency remedy has arrived addressed to Mrs Smiley! and is firmly ensconced in my bag. I am appreciating some new realisations about how lucky I am. Really!
There has been a steady stream of family and friends keeping me occupied and chatting and distracted over the week end before another round of biopsies and an MRI yesterday. We all agree it SUCKS!
So we have found other things to occupy our time in between the visitors.
Shorty is still singing the Rainbow Song. It makes us happy and has been a sign of hope for us since her rainbow birthday dress arrived. We did this to cheer myself and our visitors up,
to remind my girls how much I love them every time they look at their toes through the day,
to give us hope and colours in a bleak place,
and to irritate the hospital staff who don't want nail polish on toenails. Just let me have this one little rebellion.
The manual is beside the bed as is my (appropriately pink) document bag.
The lucky necklaces have had a good workout dangling beside Lefty in the a desperate bid for some magic or at least comfort. The ceramic dove was from another girlfriend last night. I'll take it to hospital on Thursday....

with my toenails and crocheting....
and I'll see you all at the other end of the tunnel. Thanks again all....
Love, Annie x


  1. Annie, I'm new to your lovely blog and it feels a little like I'm intruding on a very personal time for you and your family but I just needed to say you are in my thoughts, have been since my first visit last week and will be in the times ahead. xxxxx

  2. Oh boy, big sigh...
    Love the colorful toenails and especially the rebellion side of it! :-) Will be thinking even more of you this coming up Thursday. (which will be Wednesday for me)

  3. I love the rainbow toes. I'm thinking of you and sending you a huge hug!

  4. You have a great spirit, a great support network, a great family, and great neck wear for lefty!

    See you at the other end!

  5. Those toe nails tell me all I need to know, you will do this your way, which is just how it should be. You rock girl!

    Now, I can't find an email address for you anywhere and I want to send you the tiniest something - it fits in an envelope. Please, please could you take a mo to drop me your postal address via my email, knitsofacto AT yahoo.co.uk

  6. How beautiful is that ceramic dove, and your crochet, clever girl.
    Will be thinking of you Thursday and before and after. Goodbye Lefty, don't leave anything behind and don't let the door hit you on the way out.

  7. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that. Your toes cheered me completely, and are a sign to me that you'll get through this with flying colours and with spirits that will lift you. You are so talented and see things in life that would normally just pass me by.

    Take all the love and use it. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

    PS Barbie never looked better!

  8. They won't like the bush flower remedy at the hospital either, stuff em!
    Rainbow toenails, inspired by the blanket and your friend was an excellent idea.
    I agree, Barbie looks hot and how clever to introduce this concept to shorty in this way.

    Thinking of you today and with you all the way.

    Love you lots.

  9. Wishing you only the very best for tomorrow. Also wishing all your male doctors, nurses and wardsmen are of the eye-candy sort with exceptional bedside manners. xxox

  10. Dearest Annie,
    I've read every word you have shared over the last days... and I have thought about you. While doing the dishes, walking the dog and reading for my little one, I've thought of you. Thinking that I could be you, and for the first time understanding why breast cancer pull girls and mothers of all ages together.

    So, I think of you. Annie, a little all the time. By the end of the day, that's tons of thoughts, support, hugs and love to you!
    See you very soon, sunshine!

  11. It feels so inadequate, being there beside you in hankies only. I want to hold your hand and your heart through this whole damn thing. Love to you my friend.

  12. What is the beam in the eyes of the cancer staff and their prejudice against rainbow toe nails?
    How stuffy.
    Wait until they clasp eyes on your rug and visitors with rainbow toe nails.
    Do your thing, dearest Annie.
    I salute your flag.

  13. Those rainbow toes and the rainbow crochet are just divine! Thinking of you being so very brave.

  14. Look at your "ripple" - I love it!! Annie, every single Post of yours brings a tear to my eye. Your courage and strength is an absolute inspiration. I was drawn to your Blog months ago for the way you wrote about your 5 children and daily goings-on with a mixture of love and humour. The fact you are still able to do just that is an absolute credit to you, lovely lady. Thinking of you on Thursday xx

  15. Annie - I am thinking of you. You will be fine. You are in good hands, try not to think too much about it. I know that it sounds wierd but I kind of zoned out a bit, so I sometimes felt like I was having an out of body experience. Just made it easier to deal with.

    And that nail polish thing has always really annoyed me.


  16. rainbow lights to you as you head forth into this journey....rainbows, rainbows, rainbows...how can you not fill your head with lights and colours, just saying that word...it might be a good word for getting away from it all.....rainbows to you, and lots of them...xxxx

  17. Hey Annie. Haven't wanted to hassle you with emails, texts etc, as I know you have better things to focus on than replying to correspondence. Hopefully Rachel has passed on my messages of support. I usually regard the phrase "thinking of you" as something of a trite salutation, but in this instance it's a pretty accurate description of my preoccupation with your welfare, reflections on my long-held respect for your calm capacity to manage life's hard work for the rewards it brings, and my faith that sending positive vibes can actually make a difference. I was sent so many of these (as I was later to realise) during a very concerning time for young Kate last year and have heaps left over to share after her miraculous recovery. So they're all yours. Also know that I plan to add you to my very long list of inspirational heroes who have coped with circumstances they never believed they would. I've been lucky enough to have met a hell of a lot of them in my line of work. And do you know what they all had in common? Nothing. Except that they went through something they never planned or wanted to & realised that on the other side of the turbulance there was calm and insights they never believed were possible. Pace yourself, soak up the good vibes and know that I'm on your team if you find a role for me.

  18. Hello. I know you have your whole, big family to support you, but just when you're lying there thinking you're alone, please remember all of us out here.

    And imagine all of us. All these women standing by your side. We're all clenching our teeth and taking the prods and pokes and medicines and biopsies and incisions with you.

    Okay. Let's do it.

  19. Grab your bullet-proof bracelets and golden lasso before you head out tomorrow, and just spin it like Wonder Woman, girlfriend!


    Deb xx

  20. Love that little progression of rainbow feet. And the little rebellion. You see you are different already, maybe you never would have stopped and rainbow painted your toes with your girls before this. Makes me want to do ours, Liongirl and I need to go shopping. When I moved into my first share house with 2 uni girlfriends we had a huge bowl of nailpolishes on our coffee table, back when life was simple. And Barbie- I think she needs her roots hand tinted rainbow and then she will rock. Get Shorty on to that one for you. And maybe do Barbie's nails while you are at it. Take that blanket everywhere, it is bursting with goodness. And lastly, may the force be with you. melx

  21. Hey Annie so just for you I have now entered the world of blog which as you well know was previously alien to me. It has taken me all of today and I mean all of today to work out how to post a comment. Kinda think it may have been easier to drop in but I was determined not to let it defeat me and now at 1000pm I have worked it out.
    So I have just read your beautiful entries and I am about to race around the house and paint my nails to support you in spirit tomorrow and the days to follow.
    You know where I am, anytime, anyhow.
    Love to you

    1. Hey Paula. Had to laugh, as I was figuring out the blog thing for the first time at the same time as you. Let me know if there are any suitable opportunities for shared supportive toenail painting or similar.

  22. Good luck! I'm sure it will all go well. It's good too that it's all happening so quickly, as it means you don't have too much time to think about it beforehand. I had an emergency back operation last year, and was grateful not to have to dwell on it or make decisions. You have to just go with the flow.

    Those rainbow toes are beautiful! (I'm off to see whether I have enough colours myself...)

  23. The rainbow mother-daughter toes are awesome. Thinking of you for Thursday.

  24. Me again ... I have painted my toenails in rainbow colours too, because it's Wednesday night here, which means it's Thursday morning there. Eek, is that horribly stalkerish? It's the only way I could think of to hug you from afar. My big girls joined in. We're spreading the word Annie ... there'll soon be a bunch of us with psychedelic feet rooting for you over here. See what you've started!


  26. Spreading the word and lining up my nail polishes darl!


  27. Dear Rainbow girl. All our love and prayers are with you today.
    That other Smith family in Warruga Street

  28. In honour of this I will repaint my toenails in different colours.

    I've been told i have a 50/50 chance of having breast cancer before I'm 40. I've already have 2 large benign tumors removed (my first when I was 18) and have 1 still in there (I have to have it checked this month). I too hope this is cured before my little girl grows up.. because the geneticists said if I do get it, she'll be a very very high risk and at a much younger age. It's scary.

    The nailpolish thing is because the colour of your nails cause show if you are losing oxygen or not. It's not because they don't want colour in your life, but an actually medical necessity

  29. Thinking of you.

    I will pull out all my nail polishes tonight and see if I can paint a rainbow too!

  30. I had cervical cancer when I was 40...and I'll be 64 soon. Know that there is a cancer survivor in Texas who is standing strong with you.

  31. You are in my thoughts and prayers Annie. Godspeed.

  32. Take care. I just love your toenail colours. Will be thinking of you and sending positive thoughts :)

  33. came here via Rachel from happy Panda
    at my place it is Friday
    and you are through that tunnel
    I will carry you with me today
    and hope you will be alright

    Patrice A.
    from the Netherlands

    loved those nails!!

  34. Hay Annie, finally got your blog address from Lorna, good vibes and positive thoughts coming your way from Europe ... Simone Holland / Italy


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